Jimmy Kimmel Live returned last night after the holiday break and host Jimmy Kimmel took the opportunity to recap all of the “crazy stuff” Donald Trump did while the show was away.
“It would take a nine-part Ken Burns documentary series to cover it all,” Kimmel noted. “But I’m going to do my best to boil it down.”
Kimmel reminded viewers that Trump hosted the the Kennedy Center Honors, which aired in December to notably low ratings. “After boasting about what a great host he is and how much better he is than I am and how huge his ratings would be, Trump hosted the lowest rated Kennedy Center Honors telecast of all time,” Kimmel said.
He added, “I’d hate to be the White House intern who had to tear that headline out of all the papers and eat ’em. You know, as I recall, he said he’d step down if this happened, right? He said, ‘If I can’t beat out Jimmy Kimmel, then I don’t think I should be president.’ Hey, a deal is a deal. Back to Mar-a-Lago you go.”
Kimmel then noted that since Jimmy Kimmel Live left for its break Trump posted on Truth Social 556 times. “Behold the ramblings of a madman,” he said, displaying all of the social media posts on a video wall behind him. “He was in an especially festive mood on Christmas Eve.” That evening, Trump threatened to “terminate” the broadcast licenses of news networks and late-night shows.
“This is the vision of sugar plums that are dancing in his head as he goes to sleep,” Kimmel quipped. Trump then posted, “Merry Christmas to all, including the many sleazebags who loved Jeffrey Epstein.”
“Leave it to Trump to wish Merry Christmas to himself,” Kimmel responded. Trump closed his Christmas Eve post with, “Enjoy what may be your last Merry Christmas.” “What is he trying to tell us?” Kimmel asked. “He’s going down? He’s taking us with him? I don’t know.”
Elsewhere in his monologue, Kimmel recounted how Trump enlisted Vanilla Ice to perform at his New Year’s Eve party for the third time in five years. “Which is a lot of times for a guy with one song,” Kimmel said. “What year were they ringing in? 1991?”
He added, “President Trump said his New Year’s resolution this year is peace on Earth. And that lasted for just under two days. If you were wondering how bad these Epstein files are for Trump, turns out they’re invade Venezuela bad. This is literally the plot of the movie Wag the Dog. The president gets caught in a sex scandal, so he attacks a smaller country to distract us. And here we are, distracted.”
Kimmel closed his monologue by taking the cognitive test that Trump has repeatedly bragged about acing. “Let’s find out just how difficult this big, beautiful test is,” Kimmel said. “And how my brain stacks up against our stable genius president’s.” Spoiler alert: Kimmel received a perfect score. “So I could be president,” he confirmed.
On Sunday night, Jimmy Kimmel Live! was awarded the trophy for Best Talk Show at the Critics Choice Awards. In his acceptance speech, Kimmel joked that he owed the win to his nemesis “Donald Jennifer Trump.” “A FIFA Peace Prize would have been better, but this is nice, too,” Kimmel said.
He added, “Most of all, I want to thank our President, Donald Jennifer Trump, without whom we would be going home empty-handed tonight. Thank you, Mr. President, for all the many ridiculous things you do each and every day.”
